Screams in the streets, cries of terror, I ran to my parents. There was a man in a uniform beating my mother and my dad had been beaten to the floor. I saw him ask my dad where I was. He said he didn’t have any children. The man chained them and took them away. I sat there hiding. I saw the whole thing but I didn’t do anything. From that moment, I told my self that it wouldn’t happen again.
Two years later
The streets are now empty. There are only a handful of us left. I am a survivor. Their men guard the streets. Eating scraps of garbage, all alone. No way for a 15 year old to be living. Actually, I wish I was dead. The only thing that keeps me alive is them. I will save them, even if I die trying, I will safe them.
It was getting dark and I got my materials ready. For tonight was the two year jubilee and tonight the attack begins. Every moment since they have taken them, I have been planning it, Operation Aviator.
“Bong,” The night bell rang at the camp. After two years of searching for the camp my parents were brought to, it was all falling to plan. I sat in a tree 25 feet from the camp. I went to the top of the tree which was around 30 feet higher then the barbed gate. I went into my bag and took out a sheet. It was tied to my back by a couple of ropes. I threw the sheet in the air and jumped. The sheet picked up enough air resistance just to get me over the fence.
I was in. No one had noticed me yet. So, I headed to the first building I saw after landing. I found the lowest window, checked if it was clear and jumped in. If my plan was correct, I was in a guard tower. Which meant, at the top there would be two guards sitting keeping a watch over everything. A perfect place to get a better look at everything. I got to the top and it was just as I thought. Two guards were sitting, keeping a lookout. I went in my bag and took out a rock. I chucked it down the stair-well makeing a clamor.
“What was that?” the fat guard asked begining to hyperventilate.
“I don’t know. Probably a rat. Go take care of it. I wouldn’t want the slaves to get
an extra meal, hahaha!” The tall guard laughed.
I took out my knife and as the fat guard approached me, I flew out and stabbed him right in the throat. His chest was too big to get a clean shot at his heart. Then, I quietly snuck in the guard room and slit the tall guard’s throat, quiet and fast.he droped to the floor in acute pain.
The holding cell, where the captives where held, was in the building next to me in the basement. The doors of the building where impossible to enter. So, I would have to get in from the roof. I looked in my bag and grabbed my grappling hook. I threw it across to the roof of the building. It hooked on a brick, so I tied the other side to the post. I held on and inched myself across. When I made it across, I cut the rope so no one saw it. But, I took the hook with me. I made my way to the basement, having to kill a total of six guards. I approached the cell. When I saw them, they looked different, though. They wore a bag. They were gaunt and looked so feeble.
“Mother, Father?” I questioned.
“Huuh, Jacob, is that you?” My father asked.
“Yes Father, it's me, Jacob.” I said.
“No, they captured you!” My mother cried.
“Not yet mother, I'm breaking you out!”
I took the hook and smashed the lock. I opened the cage and all the captives ran as fast as their fragile bodies could run. I took my parents and followed the bevy. As we made it to the ground level, affluent guards at the exit door started to shoot. I took the hook and threw it like a gaff at the lock of the door. It smashed and the captives pushed everyone out the door. The rest of the guards in the camp were now aware of the situation and were attacking back. They began to anulle the captives. But the stampede of captive’s rammed through the gate, to finally be emancipated from this place. I looked at my parents.
“Go ahead, I will be back.” I said.
“No, I didn’t let them take you the first time and not this time either!” My father demanded benevolently.
“I must do this.”I said back.
I ran back into the camp, around the carnage of dead guards and captives. I kicked open a locked cellar door, to revel a small bunker that I became aware of one night. I got this information from a guard that I was threatening to kill if he didn’t tell me information. I was looking for info on the location of my parents, but this seemed just as useful.
“Fine, fine, I will talk! Ok, so in every camp, there are secret underground bunkers that only the head in-command knows. In the bunker, there is a bomb, in case the camp is no longer need.”
I ran down and hit the switch. A beeping noise began, as I ran out as fast ask I could.
BOOM
It was over. The guards retired from the streets. The camp was no more. People lived in the town in peace. I was back with my family. Operation Aviator, success.
Two years later
The streets are now empty. There are only a handful of us left. I am a survivor. Their men guard the streets. Eating scraps of garbage, all alone. No way for a 15 year old to be living. Actually, I wish I was dead. The only thing that keeps me alive is them. I will save them, even if I die trying, I will safe them.
It was getting dark and I got my materials ready. For tonight was the two year jubilee and tonight the attack begins. Every moment since they have taken them, I have been planning it, Operation Aviator.
“Bong,” The night bell rang at the camp. After two years of searching for the camp my parents were brought to, it was all falling to plan. I sat in a tree 25 feet from the camp. I went to the top of the tree which was around 30 feet higher then the barbed gate. I went into my bag and took out a sheet. It was tied to my back by a couple of ropes. I threw the sheet in the air and jumped. The sheet picked up enough air resistance just to get me over the fence.
I was in. No one had noticed me yet. So, I headed to the first building I saw after landing. I found the lowest window, checked if it was clear and jumped in. If my plan was correct, I was in a guard tower. Which meant, at the top there would be two guards sitting keeping a watch over everything. A perfect place to get a better look at everything. I got to the top and it was just as I thought. Two guards were sitting, keeping a lookout. I went in my bag and took out a rock. I chucked it down the stair-well makeing a clamor.
“What was that?” the fat guard asked begining to hyperventilate.
“I don’t know. Probably a rat. Go take care of it. I wouldn’t want the slaves to get
an extra meal, hahaha!” The tall guard laughed.
I took out my knife and as the fat guard approached me, I flew out and stabbed him right in the throat. His chest was too big to get a clean shot at his heart. Then, I quietly snuck in the guard room and slit the tall guard’s throat, quiet and fast.he droped to the floor in acute pain.
The holding cell, where the captives where held, was in the building next to me in the basement. The doors of the building where impossible to enter. So, I would have to get in from the roof. I looked in my bag and grabbed my grappling hook. I threw it across to the roof of the building. It hooked on a brick, so I tied the other side to the post. I held on and inched myself across. When I made it across, I cut the rope so no one saw it. But, I took the hook with me. I made my way to the basement, having to kill a total of six guards. I approached the cell. When I saw them, they looked different, though. They wore a bag. They were gaunt and looked so feeble.
“Mother, Father?” I questioned.
“Huuh, Jacob, is that you?” My father asked.
“Yes Father, it's me, Jacob.” I said.
“No, they captured you!” My mother cried.
“Not yet mother, I'm breaking you out!”
I took the hook and smashed the lock. I opened the cage and all the captives ran as fast as their fragile bodies could run. I took my parents and followed the bevy. As we made it to the ground level, affluent guards at the exit door started to shoot. I took the hook and threw it like a gaff at the lock of the door. It smashed and the captives pushed everyone out the door. The rest of the guards in the camp were now aware of the situation and were attacking back. They began to anulle the captives. But the stampede of captive’s rammed through the gate, to finally be emancipated from this place. I looked at my parents.
“Go ahead, I will be back.” I said.
“No, I didn’t let them take you the first time and not this time either!” My father demanded benevolently.
“I must do this.”I said back.
I ran back into the camp, around the carnage of dead guards and captives. I kicked open a locked cellar door, to revel a small bunker that I became aware of one night. I got this information from a guard that I was threatening to kill if he didn’t tell me information. I was looking for info on the location of my parents, but this seemed just as useful.
“Fine, fine, I will talk! Ok, so in every camp, there are secret underground bunkers that only the head in-command knows. In the bunker, there is a bomb, in case the camp is no longer need.”
I ran down and hit the switch. A beeping noise began, as I ran out as fast ask I could.
BOOM
It was over. The guards retired from the streets. The camp was no more. People lived in the town in peace. I was back with my family. Operation Aviator, success.
10 comments:
=]
1. The conflict in the story was that the narrator’s parents were being held captive (external conflict). It was resolved when the narrator (Jacob) carries out his plan of Operation: Aviator and rescues his parents. I was curious to see if his plan would work and how the conflict was resolved. The story was very dramatic already- maybe more detail on the actual escape and less on the ‘plan’ could have made it more dramatic.
2. In the story, the protagonist goes from being a child in the beginning to a kid two years older than before who wants to save his parents. He gets smart and brave and creates his own plan of victory. This change is important because if he’d stayed a young, ‘survivor’ he never would have had to courage to save his parents.
3. My favorite part of the story is when he saves his parents and blows up the prison. It occurred in the falling action. “BOOM. It was over. The guards left the streets, the camp was no more. People lived in the town in peace. I was back with my family, Operation Aviator, success.” This part made a good resolution to the story.
4. The tale’s best quality was how dramatic and specific it was. Casey wrote the story in a detailed manner.
5. I’m not sure what the story’s theme is… I think it could be about courage and having a brave heart. The author begins this theme with the whole ‘Operation: Aviator” plan.
6. This story really needs to be proofread. Also, the resolution and ending of the story seems awfully abrupt… like one moment it’s detailed and intense escaping scene, then next moment he’s safe with his family.
RESPONSE TO CASEY’S ESSAY
I- The conflict of the story is that the main character’s parents are taken and he wants to get them back. The conflict is external. The conflict is resolved by the main character breaking his parents out of the camp they are trapped in. I wasn’t that interested in the resolution of the conflict because the moment wasn’t described well enough.
II- The character doesn’t change much. In the beginning the main character wasn’t brave enough to help his parents, but two years later the protagonist is brave enough to try and save his parents from the camp.
III- I liked the part when the main character broke in and used his items to get in, this was the climax. My favorite line is “I approached the cell, when I saw them, they looked different, though. They wore a bag; they were bonny and looked so weak.” It stood out to me because it showed how bad his parents were treated.
IV- I thought that the climax was the best because it made me at least a little excited. The character jumped the fence, killed guards, went onto roofs, and so on to get his parents.
V- The theme is to never give up because the main character doesn’t give up on trying to get his parents back from the camp. I think the author could have made the theme more obvious.
VI- I think the author should check his grammar and sentence structure. Also he should add more description to important events.
The conflict of this story is that a kid's parents were taken away, and he hatched a plan to get them back.it was external. it was resolved when he broke his parents out and blew up the camp. i was very invested in the conflict. it really contributed to the story.
the protagonist gets braver as the story goes on. at the beginning, he was a frightened little boy, and when he rescued them, he was a brave man. if he was not brave, he would not have gotten them back.
my favorite part of the story was when he rescued his parents and blew up the whole camp.it occured in the resolution when he resolved the conflict.
i think that the tale's best quality was the description. he described everything so well, that i actually thought that i was there witnessing it. it was an awesome feeling.
the theme of the story i believe is never give up hope. he never gave up hope that his parents were alive, and went to find them. he would give his life for them.
i would re read your story. i saw a lot of errors just reading it once. also, i did not see any vocab words in there, so i would advise putting some in.
The conflict was that Jacobs parent were being held against their wills. This was an external conflict. The story was pretty dramatic as it was, but if there was more detail on the rescue then it might be a little better.
In the story, Jacob goes from being a wimpy little kid to a murderous teenager. if he didn't change then the conflict would not be resolved.
My favorite part was when Jacob stabbed the guard in the throat. This took place in the falling action." I took out my knife, and as the fat guard approached me I flew out and stabbed him right in the throat." This quote was very action packed and showed what the main character was capable of.
The best quality was the action in the story. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time.
As far as I could tell, there was no discernible theme in the story.
To make the story better, maybe just proof read a little better to catch some stupid mistakes. Other than that it seems all good!
Casey, great story!;)
1)The conflict in the story was that the boy's parents were being held captive. This is an external conflict.The conflict was resolved by the boy breaking his parents freeand saving them. I was very interested to see how the conflictwouul be resolved. To make it more dramatic, you could add some more dialogue and possibly some deaths!
2)The character changes over time by getting braver. He gets braver so he can save his parent. The story would be different if the character didnt change because the parents wouldnt get saved.
3)My favorite part of the story was when the boy goes in to save the parents, in the climax."I took out my knife and as the fat guard approached me, I flew out and stabbed him right in the throat. His chest was too big get to get a clean shot at his heart. Then, I quietly snuck in the guard room and slit the tall guard’s throat, quiet and fast." This is my favorite line because its where the action is!
4)I think that the best quality of the story was the whole idea because it was really cool and creative!
5)I think the theme in the story is that sometimes no matter how scary it may be, you just gotta face those fears!
6)I think that in your revising you should check the vocab. words in the storyand also chech some ofthe grammar/spelling!:)
Author's Notes
1. I would want my reader to get that life during WWII was very dificult and hard in Germany. Also that we were luckey to be living in the US.
2.I think that the description works well to make the reader feel like they can see the camp.
3.I think that it was hard to write the end while keeping it in under 1000 words.
4.I wonder if i put enough detail in some parts that people will still understand what I mean.
ok... casey we need to work a little with you.
the conflict of the story was internal, because his mother and father were taken from him and he blamed himself, and he wanted to get them back, no matter what. It was resolved by jacob going in to get his parents.
in the story the main character was around for about a span of 3 years. through the story, he overcomes himself and pushes and pushes o save the people that mean most to him. This is important because the story would have just been sad if he just stayed around alone and never tried to get his parents back.
my favorite part of the story is when he says that he basically will die trying to save his parents. "The only thing that keeps me alive is them. I will save them, even if I die trying, I will safe them." (which has a little typo with "safe" but thats ok) I really liked it because it showed how dedicated he was to get his parents back.
The tales best quality was that it was able to relate to life, and how people feel about loved ones. I feel that some action movies and books are out of proportion, but i do feel that if they were the only ones left, you would go after them as well.
I really think that the theme is that actions have effects, and bad actions create bad effects. im not too sure, it needs a little work i think.Being brave could also possibly have something to do with it but i feel like it is more cause and effect.
I think that it really needs some grammar checks and such, many words are spelt in the wrong tense, or spelt wrong and im not sure if it is because of typos or what but it needs another read through.
your welcome casey!
I. The conflict of the story was that the parents were being held captive. It is external. IT is resolved when he rescues his parents. It was very dramatic I wouldn't change very much.
II. The protagonist gets braver and older. HE wouldn't have had the skills or the guts to save his parents if he hadn't.
III. I liked the whole falling action. Every bit of it was perfect just perfect. I don't know what to pick as a quote it was all equal exciting. Or just about equally exciting.
IV. This was an extremely detailed story. All of the description it made me feel like I was following this kid around as he did everything. Great job with description.
V. I think the theme is be fearless and if you put your mind to something you will succeed no matter how big the challenge.
VI. I think there are some spelling errors every once in a while but don't trust me I have a horrible sense of spelling.
List of Vocab Words:
1.anulle
2.benevolent
3.gaff
4.carnage
5.hyperventilate
6.clamor
7.emancipated
8.acute
9.gaunt
10.jubilee
11.retired
12.feeble
13.bevy
14.affluent
The biggest change to my story was adding vocab words. I forgot to put in vocab words in my first draft. The most helpfull editing prosses for me was the partner reading packet. All of those questions really made my story better. I think that my stories strength is that it is realistic. The descrition made the story seem like it is realistic. Advise i would give is to read the rubric well. I forgot to put in vocab words and i had to alter my story after to fit them in.
Post a Comment